June 2, 2009

X-Men Origins: Wolverine: The Parody: Extraneous Colons

See that teeny heading in my blog banner that reads "movie reviews & parodies"? Not being one to let a perfectly good ampersand go to waste, I bring you the premier Movie Meg brand movie parody. Spoilers ahoy!

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE


[PROVINCE OF CANADA, EARLY 1800s]

BABY WOLVERINE
Hi! I'm Jimmy...apparently. I'm sick all the time but this is in no way relevant to the plot; I laugh at Chekhov's gun, ha HA!

WOLVERINE'S FATHER
*Killed by Dude*

WOLVERINE
Khaaan! I mean, Daaad!

DUDE
No. I am your father.

WOLVERINE
No. That's not true! That's impossible!
*Stabs Dude with bone claws*

VICTOR
Cool, I'm your brother! Let's have a montage.


[WOLVERINE AND VICTOR SLO-MO THROUGH LOTS OF WARS, INCLUDING THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR]

VICTOR
Aren't we Canadian?

WOLVERINE
Only when it's funny.

VICTOR
Oh. Excuse me while I blatantly establish my role as the bad guy.

COLONEL STRYKER
So I hear you guys have mutant powers?

VICTOR
I can grow my nails really long.

STRYKER
Uh, cool...I guess that's better than marginally above-average marksmanship.

AGENT ZERO
Hey!

STRYKER
Join my team that was in no way chosen by picking leftover-mutants-yet-to-appear-in-a-film from a hat.

JOHN WRAITH
I have Nightcrawler's power but with low-budget CGI and no BAMPF! sound effect.

BOLT
I control electricity when I pretend to concentrate real hard and touch my fingers to my temples.

DEADPOOL
I make even the lamest lines initially seem funny only by virtue of being Ryan Reynolds.

ME
Ha ha...waaait.

BLOB
I get really fat later.

WOLVERINE
Damn, this is like the Celebrity Boxing of mutant teams. Peace out!

[CANADA, YEARS LATER]

WOLVERINE
Hey! I'm Logan now...apparently. I sleep all night and I work all day. I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I love to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing and-

ME
We get it, you're a lumberjack. Save the singing for the Academy Awards.

KAYLA
Hi, I'm the expendable love interest. Did you hear the Native tale of the wolverine and the moon as separated lovers? Isn't that tragic?

WOLVERINE
Yeah, tragic that my name has such a lame origin. I really hoped it had something to do with Red Dawn.

KAYLA
Gee, I wonder if I fall under the "Women in Refrigerators" trope?

VICTOR
Rawr!

KAYLA
Oh no! I'm totally dead now.

WOLVERINE
Khaaan! I mean, Kaaayla! I'll just leave your body to rot in the woods now.

KAYLA
Toootally dead.

WOLVERINE
Grrr! Fighting! Vengeance!

VICTOR
*Scratches Wolverine*

WOLVERINE
Ow! That kinda hurt. Is that bleeding? No, no I guess it's all right. Ouch though!

STRYKER
I can help you beat Victor by bonding adamantium to your bones. I'm completely trustworthy!

WOLVERINE
You know, I think the other three X-Men movies may have touched on this subject - seems like a bad idea. Then again, I've been through worse.

SCIENTIST LADY FROM TRAILER
No you haven't. Oooh menacing!

WOLVERINE
Nothing's worse than Swordfish.

[WOLVERINE AGREES TO THE EXPERIMENT AND IS STRAPPED INTO A TANK OF WATER FOR UNKNOWN, SCIENCEY REASONS]

EVERY FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER
Damn you, conveniently placed groin strap. Damn yoou!

STRYKER
Yay, it worked! Now kill him.

WOLVERINE
*Springs from the tank, naked. Nakedly fights off the bad guys, jumps naked into a waterfall, and finally escapes to a barn. Naked*

OLD MAN
Howdy, hairy naked stranger. Have my son's leather jacket.

PAUL HARVEY
And now you know the rest of the story.

ME
Not really, seeing as Wolverine's amnesic and not wearing the jacket at the end of the film.

WOLVERINE
Really? Of all the plot holes, that's the one you harp on?

OLD LADY
I've brought tea! And bullets...
*Dies*

OLD MAN
*Dies too*

WOLVERINE
Khaa- ah, forget it.

[INSERT ACTION SCENE OF WOLVERINE FIGHTING OFF STRYKER'S GOONS HERE]

ME
Let's see, on my "Cliche Action Sequence Bingo" card I've got: car chase, helicopter chase, "The Stormtrooper Effect," defying laws of physics, and walking away from an explosion in slo-mo. Damn, I only need "crappy one-liner for trailer/commercial fodder" to win.

WOLVERINE
You wanted the animal, Colonel. You got it.

ME
Yay!

DIRECTOR GAVIN HOOD
I know what this film's missing: a boxing match!

EVERYONE
No.

[BOXING SCENE REPRESSED]

[WOLVERINE HEADS TO NEW ORLEANS IN SEARCH OF GAMBIT, THE MUTANT WHO CAN LEAD HIM TO STRYKER'S SECRET HIDEOUT]

GAMBIT
Mon dieu! I say to you, homme, you're askin'-

WOLVERINE
Whoa whoa whoa, Gumbo! That's way too in-character; tone it down.

GAMBIT
OK, how about I use this vaguely hickish accent and a pimp cane?

VICTOR
Rawr!

[BURLY, HAIRY, CLAWY FISTICUFFS ENSUES. JUST AS WOLVERINE IS POISED TO DELIVER THE COUP DE GRACE...]

GAMBIT
I'm somehow convinced that you're working for Stryker despite actively combating my known enemy/Stryker lackey. Fear my twirly staff, Wolverine!

VICTOR
*Scampers away*

WOLVERINE
I'm a good guy.

GAMBIT
Cool. Then I'll help you get to Stryker's hideout to defeat him and Victor.

WOLVERINE
You want to help me kill Victor?

GAMBIT
Yep.

WOLVERINE
The guy I was just about to shish kebab before you stopped me?

GAMBIT
Yes.

WOLVERINE
...

[GAMBIT FLIES WOLVERINE TO STRYKER'S HIDEOUT ON THREE MILE ISLAND...IN A PLANE. FLYING’S NOT A POWER OF HIS OR ANYTHING, THAT WOULD BE TOO INTERESTING]

KAYLA
I'm alive! Now help me rescue Emma Frost and Cyclops from meaningless cameos.

EMMA
Since when does my "diamond-hard skin" equal "more diamond-encrusted than a rapper's grill"?

WEAPON XI
Rawr!

WOLVERINE
Who the hell are you?

STRYKER
Him? Oh, this is the super mutant I've created, aka Weapon XI, aka formerly Deadpool, aka character we fucked up so badly he gets a spin-off as an apology. Sorry, Gambit, you were a close second.

GAMBIT
Merde.

WOLVERINE
Are those retractable katanas? How do you bend your arms?!

WEAPON XI
*Shrugs*

[WOLVERINE AND WEAPON XI CROCHET MITTENS FOR THEIR SPIKEY APPENDAGES WHEN...THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. OH YES...FIGHTING. THEY FIGHT.]

VICTOR
Rawr! I'm here to help you, bro, by luring Weapon XI to the most inconvenient, contrived fighting arena ever.

WOLVERINE
Sure, that makes sense. Nice character arc.

[WOLVERINE AND VICTOR CUT WEAPON XI DOWN TO SIZE. OH HO! PUNS!]

AUDIENCE
Can you put us out of our misery too?

STRYKER
Damn you, Logan! I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling mutants! Fine, I'll have to shoot you with this adamantium bullet.

SCIENTIST LADY FROM TRAILER
*Whispers*

STRYKER
What's that..? "Wolverine," "Were-wolverine," same difference.
*Shoots Wolverine in the head*

ABSOLUTELY NO ONE
Is he dead? Suspense!

KAYLA
Oh no, Wolvie! Stryker, using my mutant powers, I command you to walk away and keep walking until you reach X2.

STRYKER
On an island? Uh, OK. I'll get right on that.
*He does...somehow*

KAYLA
I'm dead, for reals this time.
*Dies*

WOLVERINE
Damn, I can't remember a thing about what just happened!

ME
You lucky, lucky bastard.


-END-



**Small**






(Images courtesy of 20th Century Fox and www.webweaver.nu)



7 comments:

Kaytee said...

OMG. Rolling on my rolly chair laughing. Out loud. Literally. I know that people usually say "laughing out loud" when they aren't, but you can ask Jason, I definitely was. What a lovely break from packing. I will now broadly distribute to everyone I know for their enjoyment as well. Hope that's okay with you, wall. :) I miss you!
K

WV: thedist: This parody really goes thedist!

catnamedcat said...

SCIENTIST LADY
Anesthesia won't work on him, so we can't sedate him.

AUDIENCE
Wait, what?

WOLVERINE
Wait, what? I'm not even getting a local? Oh, come on!!

:D

Movie Meg said...

(Late reply is late.)

@Kaytee - Broad distribution of my blog post? Yes please! ;) I'm glad you enjoyed it! And thanks for the lovely comments :D

@Cat - Lol, no kidding! I shoulda put this too:

WOLVERINE
Good thing we arbitrarily stopped aging while we're still hot and rugged!

Diana said...

"Since when does my "diamond-hard skin" equal "more diamond-encrusted than a rapper's grill"?"


EXACTLY. As a devoted Emma Frost fan, I was so so sad that the moviemakers felt like they had to shoehorn her into Origins so sloppily. GAH.


Also...yes. I was one of those Female Audience Members. 'Cause, damn.

Movie Meg said...

@Diana - There's a lot of character assassination the "Origins" makers have to answer for it seems :D

Thanks for visiting!

DJRM said...

That was one of the greatest movie reviews ever.

Movie Meg said...

@DJRM - Aw shucks, thanks! :)